At a young age, I realized that what I was, was not normal.
I was nine years old when I had a repeated telepathic contact experience that shook me to my core. Lying in bed at night, waiting patiently to get sleepy as I always did, it was as though I suddenly became aware of an energetic freight train bearing down on me. Then I heard what I perceived to be a trio of voices swoosh into my head (probably my pineal gland), speaking a language I didn’t understand, but that seemed distinctly otherworldly.
Terrified, I ran downstairs to tell my parents what had happened. They assumed I’d had a bad dream, but when the same thing happened the next night, the following night, and the one after that, it became clear that something unusual was going on.
This led to me being taken to see a psychiatrist, and then having testing done on my brain to rule out a chemical imbalance. Seeing the fear and concern in my mother’s eyes as I sat there with electrodes glued to my scalp in the doctor’s office, my nine year old self took on the idea that my connection to the spiritual realms, which was the most natural thing in the world to me, was somehow wrong or bad, and something to be suppressed.
So suppress it I did. I figured out how to make the telepathic contact stop (by clenching my fists and repeating “no!” over and over again), and whatever beings were trying to communicate with me seemingly respected my free will enough to stop.
What happened as a result of this experience was that I learned that I had to take on an identity that made others comfortable if I wanted to retain acceptance and approval, and to be seen as someone who wasn’t a threat. I didn’t realize this at the time that I was doing this, but it became my survival mechanism for feeling safe in the world. We all have these. The only question is whether we’re ever able to identify the trauma response for what it is, and break free of it through applying conscious awareness.
For high frequency starseeds (what I refer to as “Athena’s Army”), this is especially critical, because until you do this, you will find you’re constantly lowering your vibration for the sake of others’ comfort, which means that you won’t be tapping into the fullness of your gifts, or ever feel able to step into your calling of spiritual service.
Truth be told, I only figured out that I was doing this extremely recently, at age 42. In the midst of trying to navigate divorce from my son’s father, living with my parents again and experiencing much distress on a daily basis, I eventually realized that I’d been doing something very specific that I could no longer cling onto as a survival mechanism – because it was literally killing my soul.
What I wrote on the yellow Post-It note one morning was the following:
I take on the way others view themselves and then try to harmonize the way I present myself with the way they view themselves, so that they don’t view me as something different, or as a threat. This makes me feel undeserving (of love, freedom, abundance, etc.) and horrible about myself, because I am nearly always disconnected from the truth of who I really am – Love.
This realization changed everything.
I am extremely fortunate to have had the experience of literally merging with my Oversoul Athena in 2015 – a story I will share about soon. So unlike most humans on the planet, and even most starseeds, I literally know, on a visceral level, that there is no separation whatsoever between the mind/body/spirit complex that is “Amanda”, and the pure expression of Source that is sometimes called Athena.
When I blended with Source in this way, it was the most powerful, magnificent, and mind-blowing thing I could possibly imagine feeling. The sheer force of the unconditional acceptance and all-encompassing adoration I felt from this vast higher consciousness was like a tsunami of Love so immense that I was overcome by rapture, ecstasy, and bliss, tears pouring from my eyes as my arms and hands spontaneously drew symbols in the air.
And yet, even though I knew myself to actually be one with this Love, in my everyday life, almost ten years later, I was still making myself small through this bizarre and limiting “harmonization of self” process that I mentioned above. This was what was making my divorce, and living with my parents again at age 42, so hard. This was what was holding me back from stepping into the next phase of my mission, and from coming into Union with my true Twin.
Becoming consciously aware of my survival mechanism/trauma response was the turning point for me… like walking up to the edge of a chasm into which I knew it was time to fearlessly throw myself, allowing Spirit to catch me on the way down.
If you are a starseed who resonates with the notion of the Divine Feminine, I wish the same sovereignty for you, and I invite you to reach out to explore if an Athena Attunement could be the correct next step for you.